


The Seaweed Loincloth and the Goat Man

by BabysNotaProp (SuzetteB)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Divergent, Crack, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Promptober, Greek Mythology - Freeform, M/M, Promptober, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 09:51:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16195106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuzetteB/pseuds/BabysNotaProp
Summary: Dean is totally straight. He likes the vag. He's a chick magnet, that's what. Especially now with his new hardware and crazy sex drive. Yep, totally heterosexual.Ooo, is that Cas wrapped in seaweed? *Marvin Gaye plays*





	The Seaweed Loincloth and the Goat Man

**Author's Note:**

> This is crack. I'm so sorry you had to suffer through this.
> 
> A/N: This is set BEFORE the episode Changing Channels (so, season 4 through early season 5).
> 
> Also, this was written for Destiel Promptober *waves at moderators*  
> Prompt: mythology

Dean had fallen asleep in a musty hotel room, but woke up in a field of flowers. He blinked awake, sure he was dreaming, but even after shaking his head and pinching himself, he remained as he was. Standing up, he noticed a strange feeling in his legs. He looked down to discover the legs of a goat.

 

“Son of a bitch!” he yelped, jumping into the air in fright. His cleft hooves sprang him higher than human feet ever had, and he lost his footing on the way down. Stumbling across the meadow, Dean huffed his complaints about his strange, hairy legs, and how much closer to Satan he looked, and then he glanced down again and noticed his penis.

 

He wondered how he hadn’t noticed it before. He had a raging boner, right here in the middle of the field. And his ballsack was freakin’ huge. It was beyond bragging-rights status; this was just downright ridiculous.

 

“What the hell?” he asked himself, before his bouncy goat legs carried him off to the brook, his erection showing no signs of diminishing. Noticing a beautiful nymph by the water, he came closer to see that she was naked and… looking him over like he was a steak dinner.

 

He glanced down at his dick, still very interested in getting some action. “Hey,” he greeted nervously as he approached her. “This isn’t actually from you, not that you aren’t drop dead gorgeous, ‘cause you are, it’s just… I didn’t wanna come across as a pervert.” 

 

Giggling coyly, the nymph smashed her breasts against Dean and began grinding against him.

 

“Oh uh… ok,” Dean consented, a burning desire building in his gut and going straight to his dick. The woman wrapped a leg around his waist and held his shoulders. “You sure?” he asked, still taken by surprise by the impromptu quickie. She nodded excitedly. “Alright, hop on, baby!”

 

He lifted her up and she slid her fingers around his proudly standing cock, sinking herself onto him and letting out a pleased moan. Bobbing her up and down, Dean fell into a steady rhythm as they both chased their ends. After they both came, Dean held her steady until she was ready to return to the ground. Leaving a peck on his cheek, she sauntered off swinging her hips.

 

Dean looked around in bewilderment. “What just happened?” he questioned out loud, not particularly embarrassed about talking to himself since he was the only one around who was talking, anyway. “There’s no way that just happened, because my dick is still 100% into gettin’ some.”

 

Like nothing even happened, his erection stood at full attention, ready for the next encounter. Although he couldn’t deny that he enjoyed the sex, he was fully confused about waking up with goat legs, a gigantic scrotum, and everlasting boner. Clumping along a trail into the woods, he noticed another nymph, this time with decorative antlers and a squirrel tail loincloth, sliding down a tree to meet him.

 

“Ah, great,” he sighed as she sank to her knees. “You wanna piece of this, too, hot stuff?” He wasn’t about to turn down a blowie, especially from a pair of lips like those, and his lustful hunger returned as she sucked him off. “Shit, I could get used to this,” he said as he came just as hard as the first time. She rose and scampered off.

 

Dean caught the eye of someone deeper in the forest just as they rustled the leaves and ran off. Using his half goat skills to his advantage, he plowed through the brush to catch up to whatever was checking him out. The need for sexual release was coming back, and he needed a participant.

 

Although he couldn’t seem to catch up to the mysterious escapee, he happened across a flower nymph who spread out for him as soon as their eyes met. Next was a mountain nymph who wore a necklace made of stone, followed immediately by a lake nymph who heard all the commotion and had to join in.

 

Temporarily sated, Dean curiously followed the rustle in the leaves once more until he reached a path that led to the seaside. 

 

“Maybe I’ll see a mermaid,” he joked. “Man, I would totally tap that.”

 

“Dean.”

 

The voice shook him, not just because it was the only voice he had heard so far, but that it was a voice he knew very well.

 

“Cas?”

 

On a rock by the ocean sat Cas in nothing but a few strands of seaweed across his most private area, a seashell embedded in his hair. His eyes were the same color as the ocean, and just as deep. The familiar lustful feeling returned, and Dean grew confused, because Cas was a dude.

 

“What are we doing here?” Dean asked.

 

Castiel’s eyes dropped to Dean’s erect penis and oversized gonads, which Dean moved to cover, but decided not to. What was there to be ashamed of? He had balls of steel! He hadn’t come that many times in a row, like, ever. Look on and be jealous, mere mortal!

 

“I don’t know, but I have a feeling it has to do with the Trickster,” Cas answered, moving off of his rock, his seaweed dropping into the sand.

 

It was Dean’s turn to drop his eyes. Cas was… nice down there. In fact, he wouldn’t mind gettin’ jiggy with it. He didn’t know why or how, but all inhibitions had faded away, and he just really wanted to have sex with Cas.

 

“Hey, buddy?” Dean chuckled, the very thought sounding foreign in his head. “You wanna, uh… help me out, here?” He pointed to his dick and smiled sheepishly.

 

“Gladly,” Cas answered with a nod. “How do you want me?”

 

Dean thought for a moment. “Hands and knees,” he decided.

 

Cas positioned himself and Dean leaned over him to discover a butt plug in Cas’ asshole. He pulled it out curiously to find it slick with lube. Tossing it aside, he aligned himself with Cas and began entering him from behind.

 

“What’s with the plug, man?”

 

“I don’t know,” Cas replied. “It was up there when I got here.”

 

Dean rocked in and out of Cas, the sexual fever in his gut rapidly building. “Definitely sounds like the Trickster.” Moments later, Dean came with a grunt, come spilling out of Cas’ hole.

 

And the more he thought about it, the more he realized how  _ not  _ horrible that was. Actually, he was kinda into it.

 

“Did you enjoy that, Cas?” Dean asked as he pulled out.

 

“Yes,” Cas said, standing back up and toeing the plug in the sand. “I really did. What about you?”

 

“Not bad, which is weird, because I thought I only liked chicks.”

 

Another voice rang through the beach: “Case in point!”

 

The two turned to face the sound and saw the Trickster, dressed in white garb with a golden leaf crown thingy. He smiled smugly as he strolled over dramatically, his glittery shoes peeping out from under his robe.

 

“Are those jelly shoes?” Dean questioned.

 

“You betcha!” he replied with a twinkle in his eye. “And you, my friend, are Pan!”

 

“Huh?”

 

The Trickster rolled his eyes. “Oh boy. Pan! Half goat, half man, seducer of both men and women… and goats, depending on who you ask.” He shrugged, not wanting to get side-tracked by the details. “You’re a Greek god, home boy. You chase around nymphs with your permanent stiffy. You’re the god of music, shepherds and flocks, and some other stuff. You get cranky if people wake you up from naps, and… you’re into the P and the V.”

 

Dean blinked, but said nothing. He could make the case that the sexual desire made him do it, but he kinda… really enjoyed banging Cas.

 

“Don’t worry kiddo,” the white-robed world maker assured him. “I’m sending you back to your dingy motel room in a hot minute. Just humor me, though. Did you learn anything today?”

 

“Come on man, what is this, Veggie Tales?”

 

“Aw Dean-O, tickle my funny bone!” He glanced down. “But not with that bone. I’m not interested. Tell you what: Why don’t you talk to your nymph boyfriend, and I’ll give you guys a chance to talk?”

 

“Wait, aren’t nymphs female?” Dean asked with furrowed brows.

 

“My world, my rules.”

 

“That’s fair, I guess.”

 

“Alright, lover boys, what did today’s truckload of tomfoolery reveal?”

 

Dean licked his lips and looked at at his lovely sea nymph. “I enjoyed that, Cas. I’ve never thought of myself as bisexual before, but I’d like to do that again with you. I can like both guys and girls, I guess.”

 

Cas smiled. “I would also enjoy copulating with you multiple times, Dean. Even if you go back to human and your genitals shrink to their normal size.”

 

Dean pursed his lips and nodded submissively. “I probably deserved that.”


End file.
